Don’t be too forceful or demanding. This could give her the wrong idea about your intentions.
Assertiveness is the key, not aggression. Come on too strong and you risk looking like a jerk. Let your personality speak for itself. There’s no need to brag, but don’t downplay yourself or be unnecessarily modest. Take pride in yourself and own it. Loosen up. It’s more impressive to people if you can handle mistakes and awkward moments gracefully.
Finding things you have in common can be as broad and impassioned as political beliefs or as casual as your favorite breakfast cereal. Take this opportunity to get to know more about her, and as you do, you’ll find that you have more things you connect with.
Hold a little back in conversation. Don’t be too eager or talk about yourself too much. Let her imagination do some work in figuring you out. Don’t complain. Quiet dignity is an undeniable trait in anyone.
Confidence and assertiveness are qualities that anyone can develop, not stand-ins for your innate personality. If you get too wrapped up in trying to impress her, you’ll lose sight of yourself. Trust her enough to let her make up her own mind about what she wants.
She may hold on to a tough or uninviting persona due to the way she’s been treated by others in the past. Approach her with no judgment, and don’t make her feel cornered when getting to know her. Everyone is different. Be careful making assumptions about her character or trying to analyze her based on the way she looks or the things other people say about her.
Listen actively when she talks about her interests, and be enthusiastic when talking about yours. Ask her for recommendations for new things to try, watch, read and listen to. Go where you know she might be. Don’t be creepy about it, but listen for cues about things she likes and look into them for yourself. If you know she’s into roller derby, go watch a match. If you happen to run into her, tell her you were intrigued by what the two of you talked about and wanted to learn more.
You may also make new friends of your own this way. If you like her and she likes them, there is probably be something about them you would like as well. Friends are not instruments for getting her in your corner. They can provide insight into what she’s like and provide a buffer for hangouts, but you should never manipulate her friends just to make yourself look better.
Now you can both start to enjoy your common interests together. Rather than just following her recommendations, ask if she’d mind having you along to a show or event, or invite her to take part in something you can do together. If you have mutual friends, organize a group outing. A casual setting and the comfort of having your friends around is the best environment for cultivating a new friendship.
Don’t be easily discouraged. No friendship falls into place right away. It may just be a matter of seeing her a few times and becoming more comfortable in one another’s presence. Know when to back off. Though persistence is important, it shouldn’t keep you blindly pursuing her if she’s just not interested. Try to develop a sense of when enough is enough. If she feels like she’s being harassed, it may make her even more closed off.
Others may be reluctant to become friends with her based on the way she looks or acts outwardly. Try to see past the “tough girl” label and get at the essence of the person inside. We’re not all that different at the end of the day.
Make yourself available when she needs you. Be someone that she can talk to. That means being honest and straightforward with her, withholding judgment and making her feel at ease.
Sometimes she might just need to hear that someone else likes the same things about her that she likes about herself. Encourage her individuality, don’t make her feel self-conscious about it. Attempts to change her subtly by saying things like “you shouldn’t be such a loner” or “see, you look good when you get dressed up” will only be met with resentment. Lavishing her with too much praise can become tiresome. Say something nice about her when it’s warranted; otherwise, it’s best not to be too heavy-handed with affection. Make her feel appreciated. This is a much more significant thing than just telling her she’s pretty or complimenting her hairstyle. True appreciation stems from recognition of someone’s positive qualities and successes, and these are the things you want to celebrate with her.
