Try to pinpoint the situation that you are seeking closure for and the reasons why you want to get closure. What person or experience are you holding on to and why?[3] X Research source For example, perhaps you were bullied when you were a child and it’s still affecting your life and self-esteem. Or, perhaps you suffered the effects of domestic violence when you were growing up. Keep in mind that seeking closure for something traumatic that happened to you can be difficult without the help of a trained mental health professional. Consider seeking help from a counselor before you begin this process.
For instance, closure might mean that you get your self-esteem back after a breakup, in which case you should plan to focus on yourself, let go of thoughts of your ex, have fun with friends, and eventually start dating again. Or, closure might mean that you stop replaying an incident from your childhood over in your head.
Reflect on the situation for which you are seeking closure and write down as many details as you can. Try to write out exactly what happened, every detail you remember, and how each part of it made you feel.
A therapist can help you by using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques or gestalt therapy techniques. [7] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source These techniques should not be used without the guidance of a therapist. If you are experiencing feelings of depression, loss of interest in living, or suicidal thoughts, then contact your doctor right away.
For example, if you want to confront a childhood bully to gain closure on the pain that he or she caused you, then you may consider confronting him or her. Bring someone with you. You may speak to the person or people alone, but go with a loved one. You may feel weak or panicky afterward, and it will be a great help to have someone you trust nearby. If a confrontation is interesting to you, but a face-to-face encounter is unappealing or impossible, write a letter or make a call. If the person you need to confront is deceased, write a letter anyway. Talk to their surviving acquaintances if you have questions. Don’t expect those you confront to automatically acknowledge what you experienced. They may resist taking blame, or contradict your claims. Go only if you are sure you will be satisfied just by saying what you have to say, no matter what the reaction.
You can forgive others, and you can also forgive yourself for small choices you made that brought you pain. For example, you might forgive a bully who used to pick on you or you might forgive yourself for not standing up for your little brother when your father would hit him.
To apologize, state that you are sorry. Say you regret what happened, and explain what you did that was wrong. Follow this by expressing regret at how you made the other person feel, and ask for forgiveness. You can also say that you do not expect forgiveness. You can write an email or a letter, or you can speak to the person you wronged face to face. If they are not ready to talk, accept that boundary. You might say, “I’m really sorry that I blew up at you last week. I feel terrible about losing my cool, as you had every right to say what you said, and I should have taken it calmly. I’m sorry for making you feel bad, and for embarrassing you in public. Will you forgive me? I don’t deserve it, but your friendship means the world to me and I would feel its loss acutely. “[10] X Research source
For example, you might write a letter to your father to tell him that you are angry for the way he abused your little brother when you were kids. Remember that you do not need to send this letter. It is just a way for you to express your feelings. You can burn the letter or tear it into little pieces after you are done with it.
You might also consider creating a mantra to help you stay focused on the positives. For example, you might repeat to yourself, “I believe that this experience made me a stronger person” or “Everything happens for a reason. "
Try making a list of five things that you are grateful for every day. You can write these in a journal or just write them on a sticky note. You might also try writing about why you are grateful for the experience that you had. For example, if you sought closure for the pain caused by a bully, you might feel grateful that the experience made you a more compassionate and kind person. Or, if you sought closure for not sticking up for your younger brother, then you might feel grateful that the experience brought you closer to your brother in the end.
Instead of leaping into the same depth of intimacy as before, try setting dates to do activities together, and taking space in between. That way you’ll have time to reflect on how you feel between visits. Even if you live with the person you seek reconciliation with, you can make plans and take space. For instance, plan to have dinner with your partner. The next day, make a plan with a friend. Take space within the relationship until your trust feels strong.
It can be especially hard to cut ties with someone with whom you have a familial obligation. Explain to others in your life why you have made your decision, and ask them to respect it. Ask not to receive updates about the person you have cut out, and that no information about you should be carried to that person. You are under no obligation to share information about your life with anyone who does not respect these limits.
Make sure that you allow yourself to experience your emotions rather than cover them up with alcohol or drugs. Drinking and using drugs will only numb you temporarily. It will not help you to get closure.
